1.) Dr. Mario’s Operating Room (DS).

A wonderful game that combines the fun of Dr. Mario with the high-octane surgery gameplay of Trauma Center: Under the Knife, Dr. Mario’s Operating Room sees the self-styled doctor and his nurse, Nurse Peach, conducting surgeries and other procedures among a host of the Mushroom Kingdom’s citizens. Remove fungal infections from Goombas. Conduct a Caesarian section on Birdo. And treat Princess Daisy for bulimia.

2.) Guitar Hero: Emo Inquisition (Wii, 360, PS3).

A new Guitar Hero game that features nothing but heavy metal set to fully-rendered scenes of emo kids being tortured in nefarious death traps. As your combo multiplies, so does the brutality!

Proposed track list includes:

Runestone to My Memory—Amon Amarth
Bodom Beach Terror—Children of Bodom
Castrikon--Dethklok
The Gears--Dethklok
Go to Hell!—GWAR
Metal Metal Land—GWAR
Revelations—Judas Priest
Dead Man’s Shadow--Kalmah
High Speed Dirt--Megadeth
Symphony of Destruction—Megadeth
Master of Puppets—Metallica
One--Metallica
Eyes of the Insane--Slayer
Raining Blood—Slayer
World Paint Blood—Slayer
Unleash the Fury—Yngwie Malmsteen

Plus many more!

Rock out to full band avatars in such gig locations like: the Spanish torture chamber, the car compacter, the crematorium, the vacuum chamber, the Titanic sinking, the Hindenberg incident, Mai Lai, and Hiroshima 1945. All songs were specifically re-recorded for the video game, and real emo kids were tortured for the sound effects track! Warning: electric shocks are administered through the microphone if you sound like a pussy.

3.) Swamp Fox (PS3, 360).

An open-world sandbox game set during the American Revolutionary War, Swamp Fox follows the exploits of the American militia against the British Army. Advanced character creation option allows the player to establish race, gender, and socio-economic background. Explore three full-fledged cities (Boston, Concord, and Albany) and a number of smaller villages as well as the surrounding countryside. Fully customizable headquarters include the swamp base, the Federalist basement headquarters, and the southern manor. Relive epic historical moments such as the Boston Tea Party, the Boston Massacre, the Delaware River Crossing, and the Battle of Cowpens. Collectable and customizable weapons include the saber, the breech rifle, the revolver, and the nine-pounder cannon. Vehicles include the horse, the horse-drawn carriage, and the French warship. Recruit Patrick Henry, Benjamin Franklin and John Adams to your cause! Ruin British supply lines and outflank them! Pre-orders for the game include a coupon for a six-pack of Sam Adams beer. Restrictions apply.*

*UK versions of the game include a US postage stamp. Not valid for postage in the UK.

4.) LEGO Call of Duty (Wii, PS3, 360, DS, PSP).

The inclusion of zombies in Call of Duty: World at War was not quite enough for Activision. No, they had to find ways to dilute the subject matter of war even further to reach a wider audience. That’s were LEGO Call of Duty comes in. Explore six different wars with six battles per campaign as your favorite LEGO characters! Wars include the Napoleonic Wars, the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam and a non-descript modern conflict. Unlock custom LEGO pieces to create your own historically-fucked LEGO creation! Add a powdered wig, a civil war waistcoat, and an M4 carbine with an AT-4 rocket launcher.

5.) Big-Breasted Woman Shoots Things, and May Also Has a Sword (PS3, 360).

I’m a genius! This woman will be snarky and take no shit from anybody. Whenever somebody does something that she doesn’t like, she’ll insult them with carefully veiled innuendo. And there might be hidden costumes, too. And there will be one token part where she has to wear a revealing dress, and there will be another token part where she gets captured and tied up by the bad guy, but instead of being scared she’ll insult his penis size and find some unique way to get away, probably through jumping and shooting things in slow-motion. This thing will sell so fucking well.

6.) Grand Theft Auto Presents: The Punisher (PS3, 360).

Self-explanatory.

7.) Ace Attorney: Serial Killers (DS, deluxe Wii edition TBA).

As the Ace Attorney Apollo Justice, prosecute a number of psychotic serial killers. Episodes include the prosecution of Jim the Tearer, Ted Fundy, Jeff Lamer, the Brown River Killer and BLT. Investigate crime scenes! Take forensic evidence! Visit people in the trauma ward! And at the very end of each episode, you get to either arrest the perpetrator or risk your license by shooting him in the face. Includes an interactive electric chair segment and on/off option for the appeals simulator.

8.) Guitar Hero: Hit Emo Tracks (Wii, PS3, 360)

The front cover includes pictures of famous Emo bands like AFI, My Chemical Romance, and the All American Rejects, but as soon as you put the disk in the game yells “FUCK YOU EMO KID” and a copy of Guitar Hero: Emo Inquisition loads instead. Additionally, each gig ends with a picture of a gun with a recorded message to “do it faggot.”

9.) My First Black Mass (DS, rated E for Everyone)

Carve pentagrams, offer animal sacrifices, whisper incantations, and sell your soul to Satan in this simulator that’s sure to be fun for the whole family. Buy the game that’s making a sensation in the conservative news media. Described by Bill O’Reilly as “simul(ating) . . . engaging and . . . incredible . . .”, My First Black Mass is sure to answer any questions that your little tyke might have about his Dark Lord and Master. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu f’htagn!

10.) Pocket Vice (DS, Mature)

Take control of an unnamed protagonist as he moves from smoking, gambling, drugs, alcoholism and prostitution in one binge after the next. Choose from twenty-four separate endings, fourteen of which end in death and six in jail sentences.

Dude, I should seriously quit my job and get a job pitching video games to people. I’d make millions, or at least I’d think that I could while I waited in the unemployment line with all the other game developers.